So, I took the College Entrance Examination in University of the East and I made it. Yey. This might sound petty for anyone reading this but it is a big deal for me. I am now one step ahead to continue where I left almost three years ago.
I must stock up my Felix Felicis potions for good luck.
“You won’t be able to achieve anything if you choose to study AB Journalism.”
You know what? I’m not even surprised to hear that again from you. :) I’ll admit that your words had managed to inflict damage into my core, the disappointment in your voice circulated inside my mind, almost taking all the faith left in my system.
As a child, I dreamt of becoming a nurse or a doctor. It must have been the result of being in and out of the hospital half of my life. And part of the reason was you. It’s what you wanted for me, right?
But as I get older, I saw and understand more of the world I stepped foot on. One night, you asked me what course I would like to pursue in college. I told you I aimed to be a preschool teacher. And do you remember what your reaction was? You laughed. The mirth was evident, as if my answer was too amusing for your ears. And you began your lecture about all those promising careers and profession that will guarantee a successful future; an assuring path.
Remember the first time you told me that I wouldn’t get far with the choices I made? I was young then, but in your perspective I was never too young to understand your intentions. And that’s mostly true. I perfectly understand the meaning of your actions and even the things you failed to do.
I know you wanted the best for me. But what if the best for you isn’t the best for me? What if my happiness and desires are at stake? Can you, for once, understand my dreams and the person I aspire to be? Or is it my responsibility to do anything to please you?
I don’t know what I did to deserve such trust. It’s as if you innately believe that I can achieve anything with the knowledge I own. I’m sorry but I can’t. I may be bright, but never the smartest. I’m sorry for letting you down again.
I’ve live my life as someone who always thought that she’d done her hardest to make you proud. But in my opinion, I still haven’t tried that much. I haven’t even released my full potential, the very best of what I can give. But I will. For you and for myself. Wait and you’ll see.
I will make it and you will be proud of me.
Just a bit more and you’ll see me cry.
She graces a beauty, which made
The Moon jealous, of how
The Sun greets her wholeness
With a kiss
She has the kindness that
Many tried to steal away,
yet failed,
For she paid acceptance
In each difficulty thrown
Her way
And she possesses love
That will render you
speechless and out of words;
had you been the
Chosen one
Please always remember that.
It’s kinda weird. You know when you’ve made mistakes and took chances that changed your persona as a whole but she saw you just the same? Regardless of what you did or where you’ve been; she still sees you as the same person six years ago.
It’s funny and sad at the same time. It’s a bittersweet feeling.
It’s amazing how she still sees me as someone who had answers to every question when I’m not even sure if my responses were essential to my growth. I’ve been answering questions all my life but lately I’ve been uncertain whether the questions I inquire myself can be answered. Now even the simplest question like “How are you?” took me a lot of contemplation before I can conceptualize a rebuttal.
But with each questions and their respective conclusions, I learned. I learned the meanings of the words I use, their proper usage and how the phrases falling down from your lips can break someone’s life, leaving them crippling and unable to stand up again.
I learned to use equations to find an precise and exact solution, but not everything can be solved by equations and formulas. Can you calculate the pain in a person’s word or count the genuine smiles coming from their heart? No.
I learned about our history and knew about the how’s and why’s of the heroes downfall. And I can’t help but ponder if a heroic death is the only way to be acknowledged by many. What if they lived as someone with great principles and with a good heart but died naturally because of sickness or age, will they be worthy to be written between the pages of a history book? That, I don’t know.
I learned about different eras and discoveries of scientist from then up to now. Medicines, electricity, chemicals, and even theories of how the universe had come to be. I learned that fault lines are the very spot where earthquakes originate and the hard ground we’re standing on our feet will break sooner or later.
And as I learn, I lose faith in myself. I began to trust my knowledge less. It seems like everything else has an exact and balanced answer but here I am trying to fight through the norms of life with the teachings I acquired but had failed miserably. I’m an irony myself. I crave new information but refused to be taught in a systematic way even when I like discipline and order.
It’s funny how she’s sure enough that I’m going to make it even when I’m afraid to get started yet. I guess people tend to believe more in the ability and skills of other people more than themselves.
“Are you okay?”
It’s funny how easily those three words fell from the tip of your tongue, as if it was some kind of a routine, and yet you never really cared about the answer.
And it’s almost laughable that it’s the question I’ve been longing to hear from anyone at that exact moment.
