Her Written Lullaby.

I don’t know what to feel anymore.

Sat, 18 May 2013 10:22:56 -0400

I don’t know what to feel anymore.

She graces a beauty, which made The Moon jealous, of how The Sun greets her wholeness With a...

Sat, 18 May 2013 04:47:00 -0400

She graces a beauty, which made
The Moon jealous, of how
The Sun greets her wholeness
With a kiss

She has the kindness that
Many tried to steal away,
yet failed,
For she paid acceptance
In each difficulty thrown
Her way

And she possesses love
That will render you
speechless and out of words;
had you been the
Chosen one

There's a fine line between expressing your opinion and destroying a person with your words.

Tue, 14 May 2013 05:31:00 -0400

Please always remember that.

"I know you. You'll make it just as always."

Tue, 14 May 2013 04:51:32 -0400

It’s kinda weird. You know when you’ve made mistakes and took chances that changed your persona as a whole but she saw you just the same? Regardless of what you did or where you’ve been; she still sees you as the same person six years ago.

It’s funny and sad at the same time. It’s a bittersweet feeling.

It’s amazing how she still sees me as someone who had answers to every question when I’m not even sure if my responses were essential to my growth. I’ve been answering questions all my life but lately I’ve been uncertain whether the questions I inquire myself can be answered. Now even the simplest question like “How are you?” took me a lot of contemplation before I can conceptualize a rebuttal.

But with each questions and their respective conclusions, I learned. I learned the meanings of the words I use, their proper usage and how the phrases falling down from your lips can break someone’s life, leaving them crippling and unable to stand up again.

I learned to use equations to find an precise and exact solution, but not everything can be solved by equations and formulas. Can you calculate the pain in a person’s word or count the genuine smiles coming from their heart? No.

I learned about our history and knew about the how’s and why’s of the heroes downfall. And I can’t help but ponder if a heroic death is the only way to be acknowledged by many. What if they lived as someone with great principles and with a good heart but died naturally because of sickness or age, will they be worthy to be written between the pages of a history book? That, I don’t know.

I learned about different eras and discoveries of scientist from then up to now. Medicines, electricity, chemicals, and even theories of how the universe had come to be. I learned that fault lines are the very spot where earthquakes originate and the hard ground we’re standing on our feet will break sooner or later.

And as I learn, I lose faith in myself. I began to trust my knowledge less. It seems like everything else has an exact and balanced answer but here I am trying to fight through the norms of life with the teachings I acquired but had failed miserably. I’m an irony myself. I crave new information but refused to be taught in a systematic way even when I like discipline and order.

It’s funny how she’s sure enough that I’m going to make it even when I’m afraid to get started yet. I guess people tend to believe more in the ability and skills of other people more than themselves.

“Are you okay?” It’s funny how easily those three words fell from the tip of your...

Mon, 13 May 2013 07:17:43 -0400

“Are you okay?”

It’s funny how easily those three words fell from the tip of your tongue, as if it was some kind of a routine, and yet you never really cared about the answer.

And it’s almost laughable that it’s the question I’ve been longing to hear from anyone at that exact moment.

A Day For Mothers.

Sun, 12 May 2013 02:40:00 -0400

8 months, 2 weeks, and 9 days of tiredness to the point of exhaustion, weight gain due to excessive intake of food, and sudden occurrences of pain and cramps.

It’s funny when we whine about how tired we were after a day’s work yet she endured all bodily sufferings to keep you breathing. It’s funny how our confidence and self-esteem goes downhill after gaining extra weight yet she dismissed the thought of being overweight to keep you healthy. It’s funny when we cry because of physical pain and ache yet she had gone through excruciating pain for you to be able to see, hear, and feel the world.

She carried you in her womb and you became a part of her wholeness. You’re a piece of a woman whose strength and courage cannot be measured and whose love and care never can compare to anyone or anything.

Mothers.

A mother isn’t just a blessing; she’s a divine grace. God gave us someone like her for the compensation of the hardships of the world. Words weren’t enough to describe such beautiful gift of nature. She showed me affection and told me to always live with love in our hearts.

It’s safe to assume that within all people in this world, my mother loves me the most, and I also love her from the core of my being. She has the healing touch that seems to make my sickness and pain melt away with just an embrace and a rub in the back. She is my refuge, the security and shelter I preferred.

All I can say now is, all that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my loving mother.

Words Unsaid

Mon, 06 May 2013 03:24:00 -0400

I attended a burial two days ago. The burial of my elementary classmate’s father. Even though we were never really close, I can’t help but feel sad for her. So I told two of my friends that we should pay a visit.

But unlike some daughters who had just lost a father, she looked perfectly fine. And, oh God, how I wished she really is.

At first, it was awkward. We were walking alongside each other and I don’t know what to say. Because what can you possibly say to a person who had just lost someone so important and so precious? And I don’t really believe that offering condolences would be enough because it’s just a word. A word with no deeper meaning than someone had just gone on and he is bound to never come back. Ever again.

I wanted to hug her at least, but I don’t have the nerve to do so. So I just did what I usually do. I complimented her hair and made her laugh with all my nonsense blabbering.

We talked about our lives, argued over petty stuffs, laughed about random and weird things, and even shared spooky personal experiences. It was fun and exhilarating. It was comfortable and never once was it unnatural. I am quite amazed on how we freely joked around when it should be a solemn and quiet gathering.

We stayed there for almost four hours, and I still don’t want to go. But it was too late already so we bid our goodbyes to her family. She accompanied us as we walked out from the place.

“Bye.” And then she waved.

I wanted to tell her that things will be okay and she will surely be fine. Life is a matter of balance. There are times when you’ll feel the lowest, and all you want to do is to cry and shout. Cry for your miseries and shout out loud, hoping that someone would hear. But instead, you’d cried silently, your sobs almost a whisper, because you don’t want anyone to know about your pain. You walked through life wondering how you ended up this way. And then you get better. Suddenly, it was easier to smile and be happy. You learn to appreciate everything you had, and the things you lost along the way. It’s a process, you see? And I hope you’d believe it; even if I don’t.

I wanted to tell her that I am always available, in case she needs someone to talk to. I will listen, even when your voice is too muffled and incomprehensible because of too much crying. I will try my best to make you laugh, even when you don’t want to smile. You can definitely count on me every time you need someone true and loyal. I may not say the sweetest phrases but I will be honest; as I’d rather hurt you with the truth.

And I wanted to tell her that she is truly beautiful. Her hair is so pretty, that I almost wanted to cut my hair like hers. Her face is adorable, as always, and I hoped no one would ever make her think otherwise. Her eyes speak of countless emotions as she talks. Her hands, which are tiny and candle-like, still paints breathtaking canvass that will enchant your eyes and moved your being. She is beautiful, even when the wind blows and left her hair so messy. She is beautiful, even with all the freckles in her face. She is beautiful, for the words she uttered and for the vibrant she emanates. She is beautiful, for every smile she gave and for every sound of happiness she produced. She is beautiful and no more words can describe how much.

I wanted to tell her every little thing left to say to make her feel better. But I never did. I succumbed to silence, as if it was my refuge.

I smiled at her. “Bye.” Then I walked off.

Every Meeting Ends in Goodbye.

Wed, 01 May 2013 02:21:17 -0400

When every hesitant introduction had been said and genuine smiles had been returned;

When conversations led to blissful laughter and a fluttery feeling in our hearts;

When both voices become melodies to the ears, like someone had provided you the right tune to play a symphony;

When everything around you seemed comfortable and perfect;

How can you have the courage to say goodbye?

——————————————

I am never a fan of goodbyes. Anything along the lines of farewell, I refuse to acknowledge them and always tried to block them out. There is something about goodbyes that target the core of my system, especially when it’s a sudden and an unexpected one. But I personally think that it is all the same. Planned or unplanned, a tearful exit or one that is too silent: in an almost heart breaking way. Any way it was said or executed, it never failed to make my eyes water and my heart to shake, as though a bomb was dropped in front of my eyes.

I hide my vulnerability behind my nonchalant facade as I act like I don’t give a damn. But if you’re someone who knew and understands the person I tried to hide, then you can easily say when I am about to break down, despite my front act and beneath my composed demeanor.

But not everyone had the chance to know that much. Many of them believed my lies; the ones I concealed behind a smile. They saw the disguise I plastered upon myself, but never the soul underneath. They heard my silence, but not my cries. They watched a pleasant and uneventful parting, but I felt loss as I let go of your hands.

It’s hard to open up yourself to someone and then leave. But it’s always harder to bare your own soul to someone and be the one left behind.

Everybody is bound to hurt you. It's just a matter of how and when.

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 07:59:00 -0400

Adios.

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 06:06:00 -0400

You can walk out of my life anytime you please, but never ever tell me that you’re not coming back. Make it a silent exit; a noiseless getaway. For it is much better to live in a fantasy where tomorrows with you still exist, in a place where days never end and we never need to be apart.

Speak the phrases “I’ll see you soon” or “We’ll meet again next time”, even if it’s a lie.

Lie to me for the last time and I can send you off with a smile.

Lie to me for the last moment and I’ll say “I will wait for you”.

Even in vain.

Truth hurts but it doesn’t give you the license to lie.

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 19:36:00 -0400

Truth hurts but it doesn’t give you the license to lie.

A woman's instinct is better than a man's excuse.

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 08:57:16 -0400

Stars are the souls of the dead. Will I find the remains of our ethereal and desolated ardor in...

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 02:34:40 -0400

Stars are the souls of the dead.

Will I find the remains of our ethereal and desolated ardor in their light? Or will I watch it vaporize with the atmosphere; wondering if it really was there. For like our love, it was dead. Wasted and drowned with the waves.

Four years. It finally had gone all down the drain; along with all those impromptu endeavors and endless nights of talking. The stories we retell each other had left our minds; no longer detailed and sufficient to bring back what was there at the first place. I can’t help ponder on how the words of love we had spoken became empty and shallow. It was like we were trying to piece back together what was already broken, with sentences and words, but we both know it wouldn’t suffice.

The I love you’s had been replaced by I miss you’s… until I’m sorry is all that is left to say. The final bomb had been set yet no tears were shed; there was nothing but the silence of two hearts shredding into pieces.

You were like the stars, as I always told you. You brought illumination at my darkest hours; your presence ablaze my system.

But stars don’t always shine the brightest every time. And I was there to witness how the blazing and seducing sapphire turned into scorching cold crimson.

The shimmering light had weakened and in darkness we succumb.

Our love is my Dead Star; it may be gone but I will be forever warmed by it’s afterglow.

I no longer have the capacity to make you smile. I no longer have the words to ease your...

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 01:18:00 -0400

I no longer have the capacity to make you smile.

I no longer have the words to ease your weariness.

I no longer have the strength to plead you to stay.

I no longer have everything you needed.

A Prose For You

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 23:48:00 -0400

I am the cold coffee in a Sunday morning and you are the intoxicating booze of a Friday night.

I am the reserved lady in ivory while you looked jaw-dropping in red.

I can weave thoughts in an exquisite silk of finesse, but you can bewitch attention, alone with your grace.

You are the energy and zeal that I lack; the sparkle that I missed.

We might be deemed opposites by nature, but I perceived contradictions as like reading a book with dual point of views. What easier way to understand each characters than to actually comprehend their train of thoughts?

But even if our beliefs are nothing similar, nor the hobbies that we like and don’t; it doesn’t change the fact that I will back you up whatever shit you are into.

Though we may not be bonded by blood, I like to believe that in our hearts, we’re a match.

Because it's a special day for you...

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 07:37:00 -0400

This day marks the end of lame and hasty pranks, immature behaviors, and crazy adventures. But starts the sequel of more wicked and nasty escapades, childish and juvenile acts, and more incredible and insane endeavors. Because no one is old enough to experience young and silly moments.

Happy 18th birthday to the most hyper girl that I’ve ever known! It’s kinda late, I know, but at least I remembered! Hahahaha. Now that you’ve come of age, all I can say is ‘Legal ka na! Pwede ka ng makulong!’ Hooray for you. =)) I miss and love you always. :)

I wrote an acrostic poetry for you… Here it is.

Radiance emanates from her being as takes each step to the center stage.
Oblivious to every stealthy gaze thrown her way, for
Nothing seems more important to her in that moment, than moving in sync to the tune of a poetry— a beat of a song.
Acting and swaying like a lady until the end; if only
Life is the same as her expert routine,
Excellent and perfect— no inaccuracy present; But not a thing was created without a flaw.
Even the lady who is overflowing with vigor and spirit, of persistence and grit, will find herself
Needing a hand to hold, a smile to help her get through the day, and someone to rub her tired and weary bones when it gets too hard to sleep at night.

And happy birthday again. :)

To The Boy I Liked.

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 02:17:00 -0400

To know that you like someone, you need to experience that “moment”, so as they say. That sudden flicker of recognition that you undeniably adore every fiber of his being.

For some, the feeling came into them in a form of a fleeting glance, or a warm touch, a comforting voice. Your heart will feel light and blissful and every sense in your body be awaken from this innocent gesture.

But mine was different. It was with the boy I hated for his cocky attitude and “I’m so handsome” kind of vibe.

It happened way back in high school, when the naive, charming and sweet me had been present. We’re seatmates, but never friends.

It was in lunch time. He threw his notebook towards the direction of his chair beside mine. He had been good with shooting, just so you know. But instead of landing in his chair, the notebook landed on my face. And yeah, it had hurt. So, I began shouting at him. I aim his notebook at his face but didn’t even manage to touch his skin. I was so frustrated and I don’t even know why. I was so matured back then, I tell you.

I was touching the part of my face where I got hit when he came over to me and asked if I was okay. You might think that he is such a polite boy asking if I’m okay but he isn’t. He was laughing when he approached me. What a bitch. So, I just said, “Yes, I’m okay blah blah” because I realized that I over reacted, which I tend to do, A LOT.

“You sure?” I nodded.

“Okay.” He then touched my arm just because.

When he reached the exit door, he turned towards me and smiled. And that’s when I knew. The moment hit me like a slap in the face, with a voice saying, “You like him, don’t you? What a loser.” And a loser I am. But before you conclude something, I just want to inform you that it wasn’t a genuine smile. It was not a smile that you would trade the world just to have a glimpse. It was something like ‘Oh-you-just-realized-you-like-me-too-bad-I-don’t’ kind of smug smirk.

Then off he went. To cut the story short, my fondness lasted for three months, I think. Or it may be more. Or maybe the feelings of giddiness when he’s near never really fade away. Maybe I still like him. I never really understand this thing, so I am not sure.

And I don’t know why am I even blogging about this. Gaaah.

Pointless

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 11:30:00 -0400

I walk through crisscross pavements
Mindlessly drifting to a strange place
I blindly search for something to hold on to
but there was none;

My existence is futile
I now seek to disappear

Beyond What Eyes Can See

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 04:05:00 -0400

How can you spot
the lies
in my words;

the pain
in the phrases I spoke;

when I had mastered the art
of concealing my poignancy?

Humans have the tendency to look for something that will offer them intoxicating happiness and...

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 18:52:00 -0400

Humans have the tendency to look for something that will offer them intoxicating happiness and profound security.

Most had tried to find solace in every pages present in romance novels, in every lyrics of a love song. Some seeks satisfaction by walking on roads, bridges, street sides found in each landmark of different cities. And few had searched through heaps of smoke and alcohol, trusting that those will leave them in a state of extreme ecstasy.

We settled for alternatives but it wasn’t enough. It will never be enough.

Because what we need was too hard to find.

And too damn hard to accept.